Tuesday, 4 March 2014

Does your Wife/Girlfriend threat to suicide?




Many girlfriends or wives are physically, emotionally, financially and socially abusive to men. Many other girlfriends and wives place unreasonable demands on men such as asking men to discontinue relationships with their family and friends. Is your girlfriend or wife threatening to commit suicide when you tell her that you do not wish to continue your relationship anymore due to her such abusive nature or unacceptable demands?

If so, this blog will hopefully help you end such abuse without feeling guilty and also save you from more damage from your soon-to-be ex. However the ‘mantra’ to achieve this is patience. Never ever file for a divorce out of impulse or think about remarriage for another 2-3 years. 


The first step is to realize that her threats of ending life are not because of you. These are primarily due to the difficulties and trauma she has faced in life before she met you. You can never save someone who has her mind fixed on ending her life. You will be fooling yourself into believing that you can save such a person; worse still you might end your life in the process. We as humans like to believe that we can save such lives, but the bitter truth is we cant. 


You must understand that the threats of suicide are usually, I stress again ‘usually’ a method to regain control of a situation that has gotten out of hand for her. If you are the one who wants to end such an abusive relationship, your girlfriend or wife has clearly lost that control and she now wants it back. Threatening to harm oneself can be a way of frightening you into compliance. In India due to laws like IPC (Indian Penal Code) 306 and 304B, your girlfriend or wife will think that by threatening, she can control you and make you to accept all her wishes. It is purely a blackmailing and extortion tool for her. 


So you would wonder how serious the threat really is. You must know this person well. Ask yourself: is she moody, depressed, and prone to suicidal ideas in general? If not, her threats could still be serious. 


You can't simply dismiss the idea, but you should not be taken in by a desperation move either.

As yourself this: Does she have a plan? For example is she saying:
"I'm going to take pills" or
"I'm going to shoot myself"
“I’m going to set myself on fire”
“I’m going to hang my self”
“I’m going to jump off from a height”


If so, you need to think, does she have the means to carry out this plan? For example having access to pills, a gun, inflammable material etc. 


If it seems like a random threat out of nowhere from a person not usually morose, despondent or depressed, there is a good chance that she is simply desperate to stop you from leaving, and wants to say something shocking enough to make you stay. Again, I would stress that ‘there is a good chance’. There is always that risk that she may be serious when she is making these threats. 


Assuming that you believe there is little chance of an actual suicide attempt, be direct and let her know you need to talk seriously. Don't beat around the bush by asking what kind of day she had or telling a cute story about your own day.


Sit down and say that you are ending the relationship. If the threat is made, you can say, "That is not fair. You are trying to make me feel guilty and hold me hostage to your threats." You must avoid saying "I don't believe you." This can serve to "egg on" someone who wasn't actually particularly serious about ending their life. Your approach of being honest and straightforward will "turn the guilt around" and deflect it back on the person threatening suicide.


Don't stay back. Often, staying with the person simply allows the situation to escalate, and the person will threaten even more to the point of becoming hysterical and losing control herself. This escalation can turn something not so serious into something deadly. The more impulsive she is, the more likely she will act on something rash and stupid. If you leave, this will put an end to the drama right there. 


You should then leave the place and call 100 number or the appropriate emergency services if you have any doubts about the intention of the threat being lethal. Inform them of what happened that day. Be clear about the threats made, and add details such as "she said she had a knife and I got scared, so I left," or "she said she planned to shoot herself. I think there actually may be a gun in that house." Always demand for professional medical help.


Let professionals deal with your ex. Threatening suicide is not always a deadly proposition; sometimes it is just a ploy to get you to agree to her terms. Your fear that she will hurt herself makes you stick around and this prolongs the breakup. Even if this person is serious about ending her life, you are not equipped to deal with it. She needs and deserves professional help, and you need to get out of the way and allow someone who has the education and training to ride in to the rescue.

  • Your heart/emotions are vulnerable at that time and will not allow you to pull yourself out of an unhealthy and destructive relationship.
  • No matter how trivial you may believe the threat is, be sure to tell someone who knows your ex about it. Tell her friend, mother, brother, or sister and inform them that you are sorry, that it is impossible to meet her all illogical demands and these are beyond your capacity. Please do list down all her demands. Also inform them that her such threats have left you scared of her and for her. Let them know that you hope they will check on your ex and make sure she is okay. Then leave it at that.
  • You must also watch for stalking behavior. People who threaten suicide can become obsessive, and when their threats fail to control you and make you stay in the relationship, their threats can shift from them to you. If you notice any sort of stalking type behaviors, e.g. she is following you to your place of work or school, she is waiting for you when you leave for the day, she is spotted in her car parked near your house at odd hours, she is continually sending letters, emails, texts and calling you despite repeated requests; you must call the Police and report this. 
  • If necessary, get a restraining order for your own safety. Be sure you call the Police each and every time you see her following you, so that you establish a pattern that the police can track. Don't respond to texts or calls from her when you are outside the home. These may be attempts to try to drag the breakup and get you to reconsider your decision. If you remain unavailable, every single day that passes by makes her comfortable without you. If it truly is just a theatrical attempt to shock you into reconsidering the breakup, this will pass. 
Finally if at all she attempts to end her life, always insist for registration of FIR and send her for professional help. Never ever try to salvage a dead relationship, because gender biased laws like 304B, 498A, Domestic violence law, etc will label you a criminal irrespective of whatever efforts you take to save her.
The moment you enter into a relationship with such a girlfriend or wife, you must accept that your life can never be that of any other common man. You must realize the difficulty you are in and must start reading law books and seeking legal advice. 

You must remember that you cannot stay in a relationship to save her. If you try to do this, she learns that she will get her way every single time something goes wrong in your relationship. It has worked once, right? Moreover with every threat, the danger increases since she has to up the ante to prove how real the threat is. So don't put yourself or her in the position of going through this over and over again. When you mean to end it, end it, regardless of the threats.


Suicide threats ground for divorce: SC - The Times of India

 






19 comments:

i NumeroUnity said...

How about when it is genuine?

Swarup Sarkar said...

If u are in India spend years in Jail and prove your innocence , let the fault with you or you are innocent does not matter.

Anonymous said...

hello Swarup, i appreciate your efforts towards creating Men’s Right Commission in India.
I have been a victim in saving my Girlfriend life. She lodged false complaint against me under section 417, 493 and 3 (1)(x) of the Scheduled Castes and Scheduled Tribes (Prevention of Atrocities Act), 1989. i was remanded in prison for 25 days. Later I met Partha & few others men activist in hyderabad & decided to fully support Creating Men’s Right Commission in India. Protect men from false rape allegations, domestic violence, workplace harassment, financial extortion etc. a law should be implemented immediately. Currently there is no forum or piece of law which helps men in trouble (in face of misuse of women-protection laws and other bias against men).

I had joined in yahoogroups, please help me ??

Anonymous said...

I don't want to reveal my identity but brother in law always threats me and my husband that he will commit suicide. I feel very disturbed these days and my husband. ...loves him alot. so, he gets scared. My life has become hell. kya karun samajh nahi aata. no one is helping.

Anonymous said...

Hello all,

I got married more than a year ago. I stay with my wife and parents (both senior citizens with multiple health issues).

My wife's behaviour puzzles me at times, following are some of the points :-

1) One night, after a brief argument, she said, "once I have a child, I will see to it that all of you(I and my parents) come to me begging." This because I told her about my inability to finance a luxurious purchase and asked her to wait for a few months, so that I could accumulate money for the same.

2) She keeps telling me, how couples living away from the inlaws enjoy exceptional privacy and freedom. She tells me stories of how the parents in laws harass the daughter in law. Though never points to my parents directly.

3) She has threatened to commit suicide many times over small arguments. Though he is very very scared of death. I know she will never do it. I could always talk her out of the situation.

4) She has threatened to leave the house several times and only given up on the idea when I didnt submit her threats.

5) I have given her an impression that I am well aware of the laws and specially marriage laws in India. But I know in my heart that i am trapped and if things go to court I will loose.

6) My parents have gone out of their way to make her feel at home, sometimes even disregarding their own illness to fulfill her stubborn whims and fancies. That is the only reason she does not have anything to say against them directly. But she says if inlaws are around then we have follow rules and there is less freedom.

7) My parents are pretty modern and dont burden my wife with any old customs or traditions. But is expecting the daughter in law to wear a mangalsutra harassment and too strict a rule?

8) She tells stories to me parents, about how her relatives have killed their son-in-laws when relations soured. This has scared my parents a lot.

7) Worst of all, her parents recently forced their other son-in-law to throw his parents out by bringing their elder daughter home with their little kid and not allowing him to take the child home to continue his education. The child has suffered a lot of mental and academic damage as a result.

8) Also, she comes from a family of pathological liars and most of our arguments have been due to me catching her lie.

Things are not very bad right now, but I am afraid what will happen if we have a child. I am not concerned about loosing money or property, but I dont want to hurt the child's future in any way. I am really really afraid to start a family.

What preparations should I make to ensure that I dont get burned badly in case things go downhill from here. Will it work if I keep a record of her behaviours and also record her statements secretly? Will I be allowed to take narco-analysis test or lie detector tests to prove my innocence in court?

It seems not having a child yet is the only thing that is keeping all hell from breaking loose.

I love my wife and want to save the marriage, but want to be prepared for any eventuality.

Thanks in advance,

A scared husband

ashish28ranjan said...

A very nice article.
"Protect yourself before you protect others".

Anonymous said...

What happens if they file a counter complaint of rape and cheating when you go and complained to police in case of a girlfriend threatening suicide ? It was a consensual relationship!
Thanks
Anonymous

Swarup Sarkar said...

Without pain there is no gain. Learn from Suroj Panchal case. Fear of arrest, lossing so called social reputation is make men life more misarable. If u hv cancer, u hv two option avoid take action on fear of operation or prefer die every day.

Anonymous said...

My ex gf threatens me to file case of rape against me when Me n my parents approached her parents about this they insist on me to come back and marry her!I can surely say that this will end up in divorce and we really dont have left with any compatiblity the moment she accused me of rape! It was a consensual decision and v both are major!

PRABHU D VISHWAKARMA said...

I got married 5 year ago. I stay with my wife 3.6yr daughter,4months son and Mother with multiple health issues.

My wife's behaviour puzzles me at times, following are some of the points :-

1) She ask me for gold bangles, big building, car etc.I told her about my inability to finance a luxurious purchase and asked her to wait for a few months, so that I could accumulate money for the same.

2) She keeps telling me, how couples living away from the inlaws enjoy exceptional privacy and freedom. She tells me to send my mother away.

3) Sometime she abuses me and tells me to divorce her.

4) She has threatened to leave the house several times.

5)some day my mother in law came home and threaten my mother that they will send both mother and me to jail.

6) She has threatened to commit suicide many times over small arguments.somtime tried to kill me some time the daughter and the son to haras me.

7) One day my mother in laws came and she and my wife both abused me and my mother publicly, and took her and kids with them.

8) She threaten me on phone to lodge FIR. sometime abuses me on phone, Sometime, say that i m okay i m sorry and come to take me home back.

9) She is very low tempered and argue over petty issues, and start abusing

Things are not very good right now, but I am afraid what will happen to my kids in her care because she tried to kill them. I am afraid about the kid's future. I am really really afraid to bring her back too.

I love my wife, kids and want to save the marriage, but mother is also above of all. Please show me the way.

Can I bring my life back on track. What preparations should I to ensure that I don't get burned badly in case things go worst from here.

Thanks in advance,

Arpit Dwivedi said...

I m also involve in a false harrashment case although girls live with me in living relationship something 1yrs and i hv a big evidence against her ...her past is same as with a boy ....i hv every details with me...

Arpit Dwivedi said...

Any one help me recover my gmails mail its urgent for me mails are permanently deleted ....with trash

Anonymous said...

Hi All,

i fell in love with a girl in 2006 and i explained her my financial condition and my family responsibility.she said she will adapt my family situation and she will help me to be succesful. she accused her stepfather that he is sexualy harasing her. then i felt bad abt my poor girlfrnd and since we love each other i took her to my mom dad. they dint accepted us. i took rented apartment and married in temple.

she use to wear lot of western outfit and seductive dress in office and i said this cant be tolerated by me and we end up in arguements.

we blessed with a child in 2012 and the very next year she ran out of my house and i end up searching her at her home.meanwhile,i was totally devastated with her behaviour and she doesnt bother to look my son.i was depressed and sought help frm my dad to lookafter my son..

i found her at her home and pleaded to come back and we came back .. i told her abt my concern over her behaviour and requested her to be a housewife and i ll earn money with free minded.

she said yes then after one month she left note and ran again this time,i cant find her and i was helpless .i filed missing complaint.

after 6 mnth she called me from nepal and she said i want to come back.meanwhile i found two facebook fake ids operated by her. she also met her ex boyfrnd which i have got evidence frm her ex guy..i didnt even knw abt her past. i dint said anything to her..later i found she aborted a child and she operated herself with copper t which prevents frm pregnancy without my concern.

i asked her when she came back she inturn replied me .. Am i suspecting her?

then i asked her plz dnt hide anything frm me. she acted like innocent and said she want to work and she will be truthfull to me.. i agreed then she joined call centre night shift.aftr 3 month she started smoking at home. i was hell shocked with her behavior..she started fighting with me fr small small issues and i found her that she is cheating on me and when i asked abt adultery thing she denied..Aftr one mnth she ran with some other guy frm call centre.I lodged 2 missing complaint.. cops didnt helped me tracing her.i used my clout and found which company she works fr and mob #.her family members saying she is already threatened her mom over the phone.

i pleaded to come back since my child will face humilation rest of his life.she threatens me over the phone that she and her boyfriend will kill me and my son..she says its her life to lead the way she wants.she keeps her mob sw off and whenever i get connected to her the phone abt either killing or file a false complaint against me..

i m depressed and totally blank.lost my job,,plz someone guide me..i m in deep trouble..

Anonymous said...

Dear, it is a general advice n follow at ur own risk. I may suggest you here ti create a drama with help of your parents.... Have a fight n shift out if the house ONLY IN A RENTED ONE... Ask ur parents to disown you legally by affidavit n newspaper notice but get it revoked by another publication of cancelling the previous disinherit notice printed and also ask them to create a trust of property through will. Since the house, if in ur name, can be transferred in their name.. they can file DV case against daughter in law whenever required to protect themselves.... This will safeguard ur parents n thereafter u can shift back n make more efforts with less worries.

Anonymous said...

I got married four years ago. My wife has lot of anger and will stay happy till me and my family say yes to her decision. Whenever I say no to anything due to any financial issues she started screaming and abusing . Two days before she again started the same thing , threatening me and family and left house. Her mother called me and start abusing me and my family. Today she called me and gave me a condition that leave your parents then only I will come. My parents are ready to this as they are very depressed and had fear of any false case. What should I do? How can I live with her in future as she again can torture me by abusing my family saying why I called them now.
Also I have the audio clip of her mother call and video in which she is slapping me. How many proofs are required to file divorce case

Anonymous said...

Hi, I have divorced nearly 4 years ago. But my ex-Wife has been stalking me, writing nonsense to my office colleagues, calling my number at odd times, writing abusive mails to my official mail id.
I am not clear on the course of action to take yet. Can anyone answer this? I have legal divorce decree obtained after a long time having faced 498A successfully. Divorce was on grounds of cruelty and desertion.

I need a clear and legal advice in this matter to proceed further. I am not sure approaching Police helps knowing the importance attached to these kind of complaints from men.

Ramesh

Anonymous said...

I have two questions.
1) Is human life important at all?
2) A testimony of doctors/ psychiatrists is not required for such kind of mental illness where a person is not require to verify the reason of constant urge of suicide?

Bajwa said...

Hi all I got married in India last year It was arranged marriage. I live in aus and now she is here with me. She is not good at all with English all four module + basic manners and cooking. I have been trying to teach her all these things in very polite and gentle way since we got engaged that was from last 3 years she was always like yeah I'll do it but she does the same mistakes over and over again and now I gets angry and we started having fights over it. She tried leaving me and sucide attempt 2 times.One day she told me that I'm picking on her and showing her down and she asked for divorce. But the next day she goes like if I try to leave her she will kill me then herself. I really don't know what should I do. Plz help me with some suggestions and ask me more in details if needed
Thank

chander prakash said...

Hi, my brother had a gf in past .. they broke up in january 2017. But after that she is constantly send the msg that she will suicide and drag you and your family in this matter.. I have her msgs and her voice record in which she was saying that Mein tumhri family ko bi faswaungi. she is mentally unstable .Can you please suggest me whT to do now?