Many girlfriends or wives are physically, emotionally, financially and socially abusive to men. Many other girlfriends and wives place unreasonable demands on men such as asking men to discontinue relationships with their family and friends. Is your girlfriend or wife threatening to commit suicide when you tell her that you do not wish to continue your relationship anymore due to her such abusive nature or unacceptable demands?
If so, this blog will hopefully help you end such abuse without feeling guilty and also save you from more damage from your soon-to-be ex. However the ‘mantra’ to achieve this is patience. Never ever file for a divorce out of impulse or think about remarriage for another 2-3 years.
The first step is to realize that her threats of ending life are not because of you. These are primarily due to the difficulties and trauma she has faced in life before she met you. You can never save someone who has her mind fixed on ending her life. You will be fooling yourself into believing that you can save such a person; worse still you might end your life in the process. We as humans like to believe that we can save such lives, but the bitter truth is we cant.
You must understand that the threats of suicide are usually, I stress again ‘usually’ a method to regain control of a situation that has gotten out of hand for her. If you are the one who wants to end such an abusive relationship, your girlfriend or wife has clearly lost that control and she now wants it back. Threatening to harm oneself can be a way of frightening you into compliance. In India due to laws like IPC (Indian Penal Code) 306 and 304B, your girlfriend or wife will think that by threatening, she can control you and make you to accept all her wishes. It is purely a blackmailing and extortion tool for her.
So you would wonder how serious the threat really is. You must know this person well. Ask yourself: is she moody, depressed, and prone to suicidal ideas in general? If not, her threats could still be serious.
You can't simply dismiss the idea, but you should not be taken in by a desperation move either.
As yourself this: Does she have a plan? For example is she saying:
"I'm going to take pills" or
"I'm going to shoot myself"
“I’m going to set myself on fire”
“I’m going to hang my self”
“I’m going to jump off from a height”
If so, you need to think, does she have the means to carry out this plan? For example having access to pills, a gun, inflammable material etc.
If it seems like a random threat out of nowhere from a person not usually morose, despondent or depressed, there is a good chance that she is simply desperate to stop you from leaving, and wants to say something shocking enough to make you stay. Again, I would stress that ‘there is a good chance’. There is always that risk that she may be serious when she is making these threats.
Assuming that you believe there is little chance of an actual suicide attempt, be direct and let her know you need to talk seriously. Don't beat around the bush by asking what kind of day she had or telling a cute story about your own day.
Sit down and say that you are ending the relationship. If the threat is made, you can say, "That is not fair. You are trying to make me feel guilty and hold me hostage to your threats." You must avoid saying "I don't believe you." This can serve to "egg on" someone who wasn't actually particularly serious about ending their life. Your approach of being honest and straightforward will "turn the guilt around" and deflect it back on the person threatening suicide.
Don't stay back. Often, staying with the person simply allows the situation to escalate, and the person will threaten even more to the point of becoming hysterical and losing control herself. This escalation can turn something not so serious into something deadly. The more impulsive she is, the more likely she will act on something rash and stupid. If you leave, this will put an end to the drama right there.
You should then leave the place and call 100 number or the appropriate emergency services if you have any doubts about the intention of the threat being lethal. Inform them of what happened that day. Be clear about the threats made, and add details such as "she said she had a knife and I got scared, so I left," or "she said she planned to shoot herself. I think there actually may be a gun in that house." Always demand for professional medical help.
Let professionals deal with your ex. Threatening suicide is not always a deadly proposition; sometimes it is just a ploy to get you to agree to her terms. Your fear that she will hurt herself makes you stick around and this prolongs the breakup. Even if this person is serious about ending her life, you are not equipped to deal with it. She needs and deserves professional help, and you need to get out of the way and allow someone who has the education and training to ride in to the rescue.
- Your heart/emotions are vulnerable at that time and will not allow you to pull yourself out of an unhealthy and destructive relationship.
- No matter how trivial you may believe the threat is, be sure to tell someone who knows your ex about it. Tell her friend, mother, brother, or sister and inform them that you are sorry, that it is impossible to meet her all illogical demands and these are beyond your capacity. Please do list down all her demands. Also inform them that her such threats have left you scared of her and for her. Let them know that you hope they will check on your ex and make sure she is okay. Then leave it at that.
- You must also watch for stalking behavior. People who threaten suicide can become obsessive, and when their threats fail to control you and make you stay in the relationship, their threats can shift from them to you. If you notice any sort of stalking type behaviors, e.g. she is following you to your place of work or school, she is waiting for you when you leave for the day, she is spotted in her car parked near your house at odd hours, she is continually sending letters, emails, texts and calling you despite repeated requests; you must call the Police and report this.
- If necessary, get a restraining order for your own safety. Be sure you call the Police each and every time you see her following you, so that you establish a pattern that the police can track. Don't respond to texts or calls from her when you are outside the home. These may be attempts to try to drag the breakup and get you to reconsider your decision. If you remain unavailable, every single day that passes by makes her comfortable without you. If it truly is just a theatrical attempt to shock you into reconsidering the breakup, this will pass.
Finally if at all she attempts to end her life, always insist for registration of FIR and send her for professional help. Never ever try to salvage a dead relationship, because gender biased laws like 304B, 498A, Domestic violence law, etc will label you a criminal irrespective of whatever efforts you take to save her.
The moment you enter into a relationship with such a girlfriend or wife, you must accept that your life can never be that of any other common man. You must realize the difficulty you are in and must start reading law books and seeking legal advice.
You must remember that you cannot stay in a relationship to save her. If you try to do this, she learns that she will get her way every single time something goes wrong in your relationship. It has worked once, right? Moreover with every threat, the danger increases since she has to up the ante to prove how real the threat is. So don't put yourself or her in the position of going through this over and over again. When you mean to end it, end it, regardless of the threats.